FeedBack Please? (Poem)

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by RenegadeBlade, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. RenegadeBlade

    RenegadeBlade Active Member

    Ok, so I have Language Arts homework and I have to express a belief through poetry. I am not very good, I just need some feed back.
    Thanks.



    Guns do not kill people
    People kill people
    Usually the feeble minded weasels

    Get caught with a pistol
    Without a license
    I mean, what is this nonsense?

    Like, a lion claws his prey to death
    They'd say the claws kill it
    Well they didn't infact, the lion did

    The argument is plain stupid
     
  2. CorruptDictator

    CorruptDictator I want a custom title, but I dont trust VintagePC

    "Guns do not kill people
    People kill people"

    Any English instructor worth anything will come down on you hard using a popular phrase like this in a poem.

    The second stanza is more of a statement/sentence than any form of being poetic.

    The third stanza actually works, although I have no idea why you started with "Like," since the additional word and punctuation have no place in the stanza and add no value to the image or idea.

    "The argument is plain stupid"

    An instructor will also dock you for just making this statement with no image or greater value to justify it being there.
     
  3. LavaRed

    LavaRed Community Manager Srcds Server Operator Forum Operator Minecraft Operator Global Moderator Staff Member Minecraft Admin

    Makes sense, written clearly...seems decent...I just don't know the parameters given for the assignment so I don't have much feedback :p

    Also...What ^^ said lol
     
  4. Nacasius

    Nacasius Trophy: Keeps Coming Back. You must like it here!

    The use of a popular phrase.
    Don't worry about.
    As the artist your job is to be the free flowing font of creativity, regardless of its source. We all find inspiration from somewhere, only prejudice says what is acceptable and what is not.

    That said, you make what appears to be 3 statements in the poem and offer no resolution to it, there by naturally robbing it of flow.
    It seems you are not given favorably to rhyme.
    Is this by choice? I know many that decline to rhyme, when doing poetry so i would understand if that's the case.

    1. Guns do not kill people People kill people
    2 . Usually the feeble minded weasels
    3 . Get caught with a pistol Without a license I mean, what is this nonsense?

    Each of these statements could easily have been understood from your first statement and even the title of the poem if it had one.
    So instead of making the statement, try and bring people along for the journey of the thought process that you had to take to arrive at your decision that is your current belief.
    Provide baser, factoids, easy to grasp concepts and if possible make them easy to read OR eye catching.
    Something like this

    A Question of honesty

    Do Guns have the flaws,
    that man from birth draws?

    What a great error in specification,
    to make in personification.

    How can an object glean or tilt,
    show remorse or be assigned guilt?

    Indeed. how much nobler is man,
    to stand and accept what he can.

    Do not hide from truth or find comfort in lies.
    Being forced to see honesty, only when a child dies.

    Accept accountability, put the fault where it belongs.
    Then you have hope to right the true wrongs.


    This was a quick one, but hopefully you see what I'm trying to say.
    The flow of the last 2 sentences is off, can you tell me why?
    I didn't try and fix them.
     
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